


Hightown Roadkill

by paragadesluster



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Rockband AU, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 14:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5379026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paragadesluster/pseuds/paragadesluster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Submission for 2015 Reverse Big Bang - He had never asked for this - for her but now here he was and there she was and he didn't know what was worse her waking up and hating him or her waking up and not knowing who he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hightown Roadkill

 

\---

THREE YEARS AGO  
\---

Fenris had no idea where the hell he was.

The schedule in his hand said Room 311 but here he was in-between the doorways of 310 and 312 and lo and behold – there was no fucking doorway. What the hell kind of college was this anyway? Raking his hand through his white hair in frustration he started back up the hallway, maybe some idiot engineer had left room 311 after the 320’s.

His first day was going well.

He had just transferred during the winter semester and already he missed his old campus. At least there he knew where the hell he was going. Fenris’ train of thought was cut off as he spied a shitty word document map of the hallway with an underlined room 311 on it and an arrow pointing away from room 310. Great.

After a moment of memorizing the map he headed off hoping his professor wouldn’t be too much of a dick to him for being late.

\---

NOW

\---

The wait would kill him he was sure of it.

The waiting room in the hospital smelled sharp and cold to him, though the candle warmers in the corner of the room attempting to bring some warmth in.

He had been there for six hours already, his ass going numb from the hard plastic of the waiting room chairs. Two empty coffee cups rested at his feet as he waited, however Fenris was not able to remember drinking the second.

He leaned back in his chair hoping that he would be able to ignore the ache in his back long enough to sleep. He hadn’t slept in two days, not since she had stormed out of their apartment, anger rolling off of her in burning waves.

Gods he would give up anything to have her yell at him again. Anything to replace the last images of her being wheeled away on a gurney, his sweatshirt, the one she had claimed before he ever got a chance to wear it, soaked in her blood.

A car wreck they had said, lucky that she was still breathing.

Fenris’ hands ran through his hair pulling at the roots in frustration and terror. He needed her to be okay. He didn’t know what he would do if she died without knowing how much he loved her.

That’s what it always came down to, him loving her and her never knowing. He had fallen for her the moment she had first spoke to him in that mocking tone of hers. Everything about her drew him in, her voice, her humor, her resourcefulness.

He needed her to be okay.

\---

THREE YEARS AGO

\---

He was right, the professor was a dick.

A few steps through the door of the hidden classroom brought an abrupt stop to the professor’s speech.

“-and as I was saying, tardiness will not be accepted from here on after. My class is just as important as any of your others – though some would call this a ‘blow off class’ – I expect the same amount of professionalism you bring to your core classes.”

So not much then.

Fenris threw down his things in the nearest desk next to a red haired woman who turned to look at him as he sat.

“You get lost sweetheart?” She asked in a sarcastic lilting voice.

Fenris didn’t know what to say so he said nothing to her, too distracted by being late and unable to process that a gorgeous woman was speaking to him. He did what he always did, he shrugged and sat down looking at his desk in front of him, still feeling the eyes of the red head boring into him.

What was her problem?

Mercifully she looked away from him, but that didn’t stop his own face from turning sideways to glance at her from behind his fringe of white hair. Yep, she was gorgeous. Why the hell was she talking to him? Shaking his head he turned back to Professor Asshole and tried to pay attention to whatever the hell he was talking about.

\---

NOW

\---

They had said she had woken up.

But they wouldn’t let him in because he wasn’t ‘family’. He had screamed and yelled at them all, furious that they were keeping him from her. She was his and he was hers – he shouldn’t have to wait like some fucking nobody.

Security had been called on him but they had let him stay under his word that he would stop screaming. Fenris had agreed and so his ass was back in the uncomfortable chairs with an Officer Friendly standing by waiting to throw him out into the cold.

So there he was, still waiting to see her. To hold her and know that she was okay.

He saw Carver come in the doorway and breeze right past him without noticing, stopping at the front desk before being led away. He had called out to him, to try and gain his attention but the ass kept walking without pause down the hallway.

Apparently the cult he joined allowed for family visits if your only living relative was in the hospital.

Fenris swore quietly and sat down in his uncomfortable chair once more.

His mind raced over the last time he had talked to her. She had been upset and she wouldn’t tell him why he assumed he had done something wrong so he apologized but that had only seemed to make things worse. She had said it wasn’t his fault and he had been too chickenshit to ask whose it was. Her anger was always something to be reckoned with. She had raged about the company and the band and betrayal that didn’t make sense to him but he listened anyway because that is just what he always did. For her at least. Only her.

Her anger calmed and she had a moment of clarity where she looked at him, grabbed his sweatshirt and ran out the door. He had tried to stop her but she had wheeled on him and told him to ‘fuck off, you can’t fix everything’ and he had let her go. She had left in such a fury that by the time he had run after her she was already in her car driving away.

He didn’t want that to be her last memory of him, if he could just get in there and see her maybe he could make sense of everything, get her to talk to him and not leave until she did.

Fenris glanced up at the waiting desk willing Carver to return so he could go see her.

\---

THREE YEARS AGO

\---

“Hey you!” It was the red head woman, Fenris glanced around in front of him to see who she was talking to.

“Yo Prince Talks-A-Lot, wait up!” No one was turning around to speak to her, dumbly he realized a second later that it was him she was yelling at, abruptly he stopped and turned towards the voice.

The red head was taller than she had looked sitting in those desks, long legs wrapped in skinny jeans and a generous chest fighting a black tee shirt as she made her way toward him. Her red hair was blowing in the wind and her green eyes were locked with his.

Fenris tried not to stare, he really did but damn was she striking.

The red head caught up to him sticking out her hand in greeting.

“We didn’t get a chance to talk before thanks to Professor Dick-for-brains but I’m Marian and I just wanted to let you know that not everyone here is like him. He’s the exception to the rule if you will.” Her smile lit up her face in a way that made his stomach clench, her voice was low but not in a masculine way, it was more…sultry than he had imagined it to be when she had whispered to him in class.

She stood there looking at him before he remembered that he needed to introduce himself – you know, like a normal person.

Cursing internally he stuck his hand out and shook hers as she was about to drop it.

“Fenris,” he offered quietly, letting go of her soft hand quickly. It didn’t faze Marian at all as she leaned back from him her hands going to her waist observing him slowly.

“So where are you from?” She asked as she was looking him over, Fenris felt his face flush as she stared at him her green eyes seeming to note everything about him.

A small piece of him hoped that she liked what she saw.

Before he could answer her eyes widened as she stepped closer to look at him.

“Are those…tattoos?” Her eyes were riveted on his chin and neck, Fenris shifted his weight anxiously as he waited for the judgement that inevitably followed someone noticing his white tattoos.

“That’s fucking awesome dude!” She stepped even closer to him her face inches from him as she observed him. Fenris flushed a deeper red making the contrast of his tattoos stick out that much more. She wasn’t weirded out by them, she actually thought they were interesting. He brought a hand up to rake his hair out of his face, her hand stopping his before it could reach it.

“And it’s on your hands too?” She brought the tattooed hand closer to her face examining it. Fenris pulled away and stepped back from her, embarrassed.

“Yes, what of it?” His voice was more defensive than he meant for it to be but her proximity was throwing him off and freaking him out. Why was she so close to him? Why did he want her to be closer? He barely knew her.

Shaking his head slightly he crossed his arms in front of his chest and took a small step away from her, not wanting to leave but needing space.

Marian smiled embarrassingly.

“Uhh, sorry, I get a little overzealous when it comes to tattoos. I work in a tattoo shop and they are just so fascinating to me. I’ve never seen one like yours before so I got excited, my bad.” She had her hands up in a placating manner.

Fenris nodded looking away from her.

“Do you want to hang out?” He glanced up at her as she took a hesitant step forward, “My friends and I hang out when we’re all free in my friend Sebastian’s garage. We just mess around and play games or anything really. You have that ‘new here’ vibe about you so you are welcome to come meet them and if you hate us I mean no harm done.” She chuckled self-deprecatingly to herself looking away from him.

“I promise that I won’t try to get you naked.” The words slipped out of her mouth, a look of horror overcoming her face as she sputtered to try and explain.

“For your tattoos. Not that – I mean – shit – you’re hot but I just” a laugh was startled out of Fenris before he knew it. She thought he was hot? Well okay then. Marian glanced back up at him catching a hint of a smile slipping off his face as she still stumbled over the right words.

“So you do have a sense of humor.” She smiled her winning smile again, still embaressed but recovering slowly. Fenris nodded and decided to let her out of her misery.

“I would love to hang out with you and watch you try to not get me naked.” A grin cracked at the edge of his lips making Marian laugh. She started walking and he followed a step behind her. This woman was something else.

\---

NOW

\---

He was outside her door.

They had moved her from critical care into a private room for her to recover. The doctor said that they had stopped the bleeding but she had some head trauma and they are unsure of the effects it’ll have on her. She could be fine or she could have permanent damage.

Carver had left after signing a paper that Fenris was considered family to her or something to that direction, either way, he was now able to come and go as he pleased. Carver had said nothing to him and that was just fine, he didn’t want to talk to him either.

So there we was, standing outside her door and he couldn’t go in.

After hours of waiting here he was a foot away from seeing her again and he couldn’t find the balls to push the door open.  
She was just on the other side of the door, but what if she hated him, screamed at him again to leave and never come back. Or worse, what if she didn’t remember him. Fenris couldn’t decide which would break him more, her hatred or her loss of memory. Could he do it then? Could he walk away from her?

Fenris pushed the door open.

She looked small – smaller than usual – the hospital gown they put her in was monstrous compared to the rest of her. There were cuts and a large bruise on the side of her face but her green eyes were awake and staring at him.

“I know you.” She said it weakly, her voice horse. Fenris moved over to her sitting down on her bed. Her voice was droopy in the way heavily medicated people spoke, she smiled up at him in recognition.

“Fenris.” She slurred out as he picked up her hand gently, nodding in affirmative. He couldn’t speak just yet past the lump in his throat.  
Her other hand came up at grazed his chin softly her hands cold – or perhaps he was burning up – on his skin.

“Fenris.” She said firmly as if to root his face in her mind. Fenris smiled back at her as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Marian.” He whispered back his thumb reaching out to wipe away her tear.

\---

THREE YEARS AGO

\---

“Sooo, this is it, that’s Varric – my best friend, Anders, Aveline and the woman not wearing much of anything is Isabela.” Marian spoke and pointed out to the other four people sitting in the garage.

The best friend in question – Varric stopped the story he was telling and sized him up. Taking a few seconds he nodded before patting a seat next to him which he assumed was meant for him. Marian dragged him over to sit beside Varric sandwiching herself between the two men.

Fenris made eye contact with all of the other people in the room, the man called Anders didn’t seem to like him and was staring daggers at the hand Marian kept near his knee cap. Fenris was sure that they wouldn’t be friends.

The woman Aveline was slightly more friendly with her looks, a raised eyebrow at him and a tentative smile, Fenris nodded back at her thoroughly regretting his decision to come to this get together.

The last woman Isabela looked like she wanted to eat him up as a snack. Her eyes roved all over him making him flush with embarrassment. When she noticed a gleeful smile lit her lips as she crossed her legs letting her short skirt shift revealing nearly all of her thigh. She bent over to mess with her boot and gave him a peak at her cleavage which was generous.

A hand on his drew his focus back to Marian who had his hand encased in hers but wasn’t looking at him. Fenris glanced back at Isabela who was sitting back up straight an eyebrow raised and a speculative look in her eye.

When Varric concluded his story – something funny that you apparently needed to know tons of backstory for – he leaned over to look at Fenris.

“What did you say your name was broody?” His voice was teasing with the pleasant lilt of a storyteller.

“I didn’t. It’s Fenris.”

“Ah, well, welcome, I’d introduce you to Sebastian but he’s busy. You from the North aren’t you, you’re accent sounds Northern.” He cocked his head at him, his look without guile.

“Yes.” Fenris said simply, unwilling to give out his life story to people he just met. Varric waited for a moment before he responded.

“Wow, stop talking you’ll embarrass yourself.” He drolled at Fenris’ lack of real response. Marian squeezed his hand slightly before standing and moving to the other side of the garage, pulling out a guitar case.

“You play?” He blurted out without thinking. Marian glanced up at him smiling.

“We all do. Aveline is drums, Anders is second guitar, Isabela plays and sings and Varric –“

“I play a mean triangle.” Varric interrupted hopping down from his perch pulling out another smaller case that held an electric violin.

“Do you play?” Isabela asked pulling out another acoustic guitar from behind her, her voice was like Marion’s but duskier and had a slight accent to it.  
Fenris nodded as Isabela came over and handed him her guitar while speaking.

“Do you mind playing, I’ve heard these asshats play for ages. I almost never get to hear anyone new play.”

Fenris looked up at Marian who was tuning her guitar with intense focus, not looking at him. Fenris looked back at Isabela and nodded taking the guitar from her and strumming lightly.

After a few moments he launched into a few warm ups he had learned when he was just beginning to play, the notes coming easily to him as he strummed. After a minute or so Marian joined him, playing in a pleasing third up from his own. He glanced up and met her smile with his own.

Unseen behind him Aveline put a drum beat to their metronome and they played in tandem for a few minutes, Varric joining in when he had his amp set up. The sound was a cacophony of rhythm and beats, Isabela belting out some lines every now and again, Marian singing out when she knew the words from a particular band Isabela was singing from.

Her voice was pleasant, singing harmony to Isabela’s melody when she wanted to or taking the lead on guitar so he could have a break.

All off this happened silently, none of them needing to speak. Just listening to each other make music through their own passions and pasts.

Varric’s violin crescendoed loudly as he and Marian backed off, Varric letting off a mournful melody that slowed the pace of the room drastically Aveline dropping off when she felt she was too loud. Fenris dropped out quietly afterward leaving only Varric and Marian playing their stringed instruments.

The melody was slow and somber yet beautiful and strangely familiar to him.

The song reminded him of something but he couldn’t place it, he glanced up at the empty room as the last strains of the music faded away.

“That was fucking awesome!” Isabela broke the silence and they all took a collective breath in. Marian looked up at him from across the way and smiled shyly at him. He smiled back as he handed Isabela back her guitar.

“Tell me I’m not the only one who thought that was amazing?” Isabela took back the guitar and placed it in her case not closing it.

Marian nodded and started strumming absently on her guitar again. Varric smiled and sat down with his violin on his lap.

“Yeah it was pretty good. How long have you played for Broody?” The question was directed at him.

“Since I was a child,” he replied shortly and then thought of a question to ask in response.

“I know that melody you were playing Varric, what was it?”

“Mendelssohn’s Violin Concerto” Varric and Marian replied, the former with reverence and the latter with sarcasm.

“It’s Varric’s go-to when he wants to impress someone.” Marian stage-whispered conspiratorially to him. Fenris glanced up to see the short man huff out his exasperation.

“One thing you should know Broody, Hawke is a liar.” Varric said turning away from him to put up his violin.

“Hawke?” Fenris asked confused.

“My last name,” Marian explained, “Varric knew my twin brother Garrett first so it was either be called Little Bit or Hawke. I chose the more mature nickname.” She nudged Varric teasingly as she put her guitar back in her case as well.

“You all play well,” Fenris said glancing back at Aveline as he included her in the conversation, “You should start a band.”

Aveline snorted a laugh from where she sat spinning her drumsticks.

“What makes you think we haven’t?” Aveline piped up.

“Fenris you are looking at the near famous members of the locally known band – Hightown Roadkill.” Marian drawled from her seat. Isabela struck a pose before laughing.

“If you are wondering who came up with that creative nickname, it was Varric who said and I quote ‘if I’m putting my name on it, it isn’t going to be something a child would come up with’, as if roadkill wasn’t something a child would come up with.” Isabela teased Varric as he clicked his violin case closed.

“Hightown Roadkill is a classic name, not something stupid like Hobo Real Estate or Marian and the Hawkes. It makes a lasting impression, keeps them wanting more.” Varric defended as Marian laughed at him.

“Keeps them wanting more…roadkill.” Fenris drawled which set Marian off again.

“It’s a great name Broody.” Varric said closing the argument.

“You aren’t in the band?” Fenris launched this question at Marian who shook her head.

“I just like playing, I’ve never wanted to be in a band. I like the freedom.” She smiled at him.

“So do you – “ Fenris’ question was interrupted by the garage door opening, a tall thin man walking in not even glancing up as he walked and read a letter in his hands.

He got past Aveline before he stopped and turned around as if noticing them for the first time.

“Hello everyone.” He said smiling, kissing Isabela on the cheek as she smiled up at him bringing him down for a peck on the lips that he laughed at.

“Fenris this is Sebastian, our adult supervision.” Varric drawled from his chair pointing to Sebastian and then to Fenris. Fenris nodded at him as Sebastian smiled in his direction.

“Pleasure to meet you, welcome to my humble abode. I missed the rehearsal didn’t I?” Sebastian looked at everyone around them who all studiously avoided eye contact with him.

“We have a set tomorrow at the Hanged Man at 8 pm, what were you all doing?”

No one spoke, Fenris felt like the awkward friend when they witness their friend’s parents yell at them.

“Well, let’s get to it. Marian, Fenris you are welcome to stay and watch, there are snacks in the cupboard inside.” Sebastian shook his head and started clearing the chairs out of the way Aveline jumping up to help him.

Marian closed her guitar case and put it away grabbing Fenris’ hand to pull him inside the house.

\---

NOW

\---

“What do you mean I can’t have chili?” Fenris was jolted awake from his chair by Marian’s voice. It had been a week since the crash. Along with a concussion and severe bruising, Marian had broken her left leg and a rib as well as a cross body bruise that covered her torso from where her seatbelt caught her.

Fenris wiped the sleep from his eyes and sat up straight, his neck protesting the movement – he must have slept on it wrong.

A frightened nurse was delivering Marian her lunch – a sad looking hot dog with a package of apple sauce. Marian looked over at him when he woke up a slight quirk of her lips came over her face looking at his mussed up hair before she turned back to the nurse.

“And now you woke him up.” Her voice at normal level, the nurse – who had to be new – stuttered out something before setting down the tray and leaving. Fenris held his laughter in for a few seconds before he cracked.

“And what is so funny, mister? Can’t you see I’m in pain?” She deadpanned at him, poking the suspicious looking hot dog with a finger.

“I’ll alert the media that Hightown General is distributing cruel and unusual punishment by withholding chili from their patients.” Fenris stood and stretched up feeling his back crack loudly, his shirt raising up to reveal part of his stomach before he shook his head trying to wake up.

He looked back at Marian her eyes locked on his stomach her tongue swiping across her lower lip before looking back up at him.

“That’s not the only cruel and unusual punishment.” She scooted down in her pillows adjusting her left leg stiffly. Fenris couldn’t stop the smile from coming over his face, she was insatiable at the best of times, and he wondered how she dealt with it.

Fenris walked over and kissed her lightly on the lips, drawing away before he could encourage any bad behavior – the nurses already didn’t like him for some reason – no need to upset them more.

They stewed in comfortable silence while Fenris looked out the window, it was almost winter time – he hoped that he would be able to take her home before Christmas.

“Aren’t you going to ask me?” Marian said quietly from her bed, not looking at him.

Fenris turned towards her, questioningly.

“Aren’t you going to ask me why I left you that night? Why I was so mad?” She finally looked at him.

“I figured you’d tell me when you were ready. I wasn’t just going to attack you when you were in a car accident Marian.”

“Ask me.”

“Alright, why did you leave that night? Why didn’t you just tell me what was wrong?”

Marian didn’t answer, her throat bobbed as he watched her search for words.

“This is why I didn’t ask.” She looked up at him confused.

“You’re hurt and the last thing that you needed from me was anger and accusations.”

“Maybe I want you to get angry sometimes Fen, maybe I need it.” Fenris was flabbergasted.

“Did you just say you want me to yell at you?”

Marian glared at him.

“You know exactly what I meant, don’t change the subject.”

“This is still the same subject, do you or do you not want me to yell at you?”

“No – I,” she ran her hands through her hair frustrated, “I want you to show me that this relationship means as much to you as it does to me.”

Fenris was dumbstruck.

She thought he didn’t care about her? He had been sleeping in a fucking armchair for the past week for God’s sake. What the fuck did that even mean? How couldshe not know how much he loved her?

Fenris didn’t know what to say, the words stuck in his throat so he turned away from her.

“See, your silence speaks for itself Fen. Why don’t you just go? Why are you even here? I get the initial worry, but…” She didn’t speak again.

Fenris didn’t know what to do so he grabbed his jacket and walked out.

\---

THREE YEARS AGO

\---

“Someone’s got a thing for our dear Hawke.” A slightly intoxicated Isabela purred melodically in Fenris’ ear.

They were at a bar in Lowtown after Hightown Roadkill had performed their set for the third time that month, they were becoming a bit of a hit with the locals. He and Marian had come to cheer on their friends.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Fenris replied not looking at her his eyes riveted on Marian as she leaned over and made a shot at the pool table, jumping up in victory as she apparently made a good hit.

“Sure you don’t, handsome.” Isabela threw herself down in the barstool next to him, he looked at her questioningly as she slung her arm around his shoulder.

“You know she likes you too,” she whispered in his ear, her proximity making him slightly uncomfortable but he knew by now this was just how Isabela acted, she loved touching people and Fenris didn’t mind too much. It was harmless after all.

“We’re friends.” He turned back to Marian who was glancing over at him, he smiled at her and she tentatively smiled back. Isabela turned closer to him, her breasts pushed up against his bicep, he turned back to her as she smiled at him.

“She’s too afraid to say something poor dear. You’re new in town and we all like you, she doesn’t want things to be awkward for you.” She grabbed her beer off the bar behind them finishing it in one swallow. “I’d tell her myself but I’m still hoping I’ll get the chance to see how far those tattoos go down.” Her finger trailed on his chin before he drew away from her hand.

“Aren’t you with Sebastian?” He asked trying not to get angry, he had had his fill of drunk Isabela.

Something vulnerable passed behind her eyes as she looked across the bar where Sebastian was flirting with a small blonde girl who was basking in his attention.

“He only wants me for sex when he’s lonely. And he knows I’ll come running every time.” Isabela hopped up, her voice no longer holding the teasing tone she had earlier.

“We’re more alike than you’d like to admit Fenris,” she said lowly, picking off a piece of lint on his jacket, “I just chose to not moon over him like a love sick puppy.” Isabela turned and looked at Marian who was collecting money from the poor suckers who had challenged her to a pool game.

“Ask her out, handsome, some things are worth the risk.” Isabela threw over her shoulder as her eyes drew back to Sebastian who was making out with the blonde, “and some things aren’t.” She turned and left him alone.

Fenris sipped on his beer thinking what Isabela had said over. If what she had said was true the chances of her saying yes to him were high, higher than he had thought. She was right, he needed to stop being a coward and ask her out, it was only a date after all. No pressure.

Without another thought he downed his beer and set the empty on the bar behind him before heading over to Marian.

\---

NOW

\---

His feet led him to their old stomping grounds, amazing that they had been together for three years and he hadn’t ever been back since Hightown Roadkill had taken off and was now a worldwide recognized band.

It had happened virtually overnight, one minute he had been watching them play in dive bars and then suddenly they were famous. The only reason Fenris had seen even an iota of that fame was because of Isabela getting sick and them needing a cover to play their songs.

He had been signed with the same agency that signed Hightown Roadkill – they had tried to persuade them to drop the Roadkill but Varric was adamant that they stay what they were.

He had a solo record coming out next month with Marian singing and playing guitar on a few tracks. He had kept her identity a secret because Marian didn’t want the fame or the shit that went with it, she was happy being in the background cheering her friends on even though – in his humble opinion she was more talented than all of them combined – not that he would tell their friends that.

The house that Sebastian owned where they used to hang out was still Sebastian’s house, he just rented it out to people every now and again for extra money. Currently there was no one renting it and Fenris still remembered the garage code.

The door creaked open slowly and Fenris hurried inside, flipping on the light and setting the door to close as he sat down. He had needed air to think about everything.

He couldn’t believe that she thought he didn’t love her. Had he not shown her everyday he had taken care of her? How many times had he cared for her when she was sick, picked her up when she was drunk, held her when Carver had left her for the cult or when Bethany had died? He may have not said it out loud but he did, he loved her more than he loved himself. She had never needed the words before now, had always been patient with his need to not speak about his feelings – he had thought that he had been obvious enough.

He always made sure she was safe and happy – keeping her calm through her panic attacks or holding her close to keep her nightmares at bay. He did it because he loved her and it killed him inside to see her suffer and be unable to help her. He suddenly had the horrible thought that maybe he wasn’t enough for her – that the only reason she had stayed with him was because she thought he needed her.

His life after all wasn’t much better than hers – an alcoholic father and a mother who ran at the first chance, a sister who was usually too stoned out of her mind to know much of anything. He had told Marian all of this, he hadn’t wanted to but that was what their relationship was – or at least he had thought so.

Fenris stood and paced.

They had been together for a little under three years with a few rough patches but he had thought they were fine, that they were both on the same page – that their love was unshakable. Had he misinterpreted her? No, no if there was one thing he knew it was that Marian couldn’t lie to save her life. He would have seen through it.

Fenris raked his hands through his hair as he paused his eyes drifting to a torn poster on the wall of the garage of the first and only set that they had shared as a group. It was from before they had gotten famous and Marian had agreed – drunkenly – that she would play with them on their next gig and Varric who had designed the posters decided to be a dick by saying the band was featuring Hawke. He smiled at the memory, she had been so pissed at him for weeks afterward, but Varric always said that it was worth every moment of hatred.

The poster was torn slightly and coated with a thin film of dust - but that was fine, it showed where they had come from and it made him feel slightly better about the whole situation.

Out of the corner of his eye he spied something black sticking out from underneath one of the tables, reaching down he realized that it was Marian’s old guitar. He had bought her a new one when he had signed with his record album but he had always wondered where her old one had went.

He picked up the case and put it on the table in front of him. Deft fingers flicked open the locks on the case, the hinges squeaking slightly in the silence of the room.  
He knew now why she had left it there.

Inside the case there were pictures of all of the group, candid shots of them practicing or just being together. They were from years back, Fenris’ own grumpy face staring back at him in a few shots, there was only one picture of Marian in it, it was one that he had taken on her phone when he had been annoyed at her for taking so many pictures that he now saw she had had printed out.

She was smiling and she looked happier than he remembered seeing her. He kept the picture in his hand as he pulled out her guitar, the weight the same as he remembered it being.

She had loved this guitar, it had been a gift from her father before he passed away she had told him. Glancing back into the case something else caught his eye. A letter.

He knew it was a breach of her privacy, obviously she had left it there for a reason, but he was just hurt enough to not give a shit. She’d probably never know that he had seen this anyway.

He reached out and unfolded the letter reading silently.

_Dear you,_

_I don’t know if you’ll ever come back and read these words but I hope you forget that you wrote them. This was your life. Your friends, your guitar and your feelings here tucked away in this corner. Today, Fenris told you he loved you. He said it in his sleep but it still counts. These are all of the memories that happened before that moment, safe and protected where no one can get to them. It may seem melodramatic to you but at the moment it seems like the best course of action. I need these to be safe from any damage because before today everything in your life was perfect. The best friends, the best man you could dream of and your dad’s guitar. It can’t stay like this forever, right. If we know anything it’s that the other shoe always drops. Usually on us. So this is your safety to remember that things aren’t always bad. Sometimes there’s something beautiful to remember about the past. Like friends and your soulmate. So this is me telling me that it’ll be okay, when things fall apart you will be okay. Because you are safe, here in this guitar case with your friends who once loved you. You can survive this, you’ve survived worse. Hang in there darling._  
         

            _Love, Marian_

Fenris dropped the letter back in the case, placing her father’s guitar back in its place before shutting it.

She always thought that they were doomed from the start. That they wouldn’t ever actually work out. She had – he couldn’t believe that she had been expecting them to fail. He felt a roll of hot anger surge through him. How could she do that to him? To never really have given them a chance, to have just expected them to fail. To lie to him, straight to his face for years.

He went into this relationship with an open mind, sure that she would get tired of him like his father had, like his ex had, and all the while she was waiting for them to fall apart. Instead of trying to have a real fucking relationship, she just locked herself in her little guitar case and shut the rest of them out. Shut him out.

He felt betrayed. He felt used by her. He had committed himself to this relationship, he may not be the most vocal person in the world but he never lied to her about his feelings. What right did she have to have a safe place to hide when he was always putting himself out there for her – always doing things that pushed his comfort zone because he thought she was worth the risk - that they were worth the risk.

His mind made up Fenris turned out the light and pushed the garage door open disappearing into the night in the direction of the hospital.

\---

FOUR MONTHS AGO

\---

“That’s the last box Fen. We finally did it.” Marian flopped on their sofa her red hair spilling out over the couch cushions like a crimson waterfall. Fenris grinned from behind the bar in their kitchen finally closing the last drawer in the kitchen – the nook finally organized – every pot and pan in it’s new home. Fenris had been working on it most of the evening – he glanced at the clock noting that it was 12:45 AM.

Fenris made his way over to the couch crawling on top of her smirking as she complained about the invasion of her space.

“Don’t start something we are both too tired for.”

Fenris grinned kissing the side of her neck.

“I’m not that tired.” He said in-between kisses traveling slowly up her neck to her lips where he kissed her happily. Her fingers threaded through his hair and he groaned in approval.

“Fenris we have to get up early tomorrow.” She pulled away from his lips but kept her hands in his hair as he kissed her face. She hitched one of her legs up over his hipbone, her hips grinding against him.

“It won’t take that long.” He whispered in her ear.

“Wow, way to turn on the romance Prince Charming.” She said unhooking her leg from him laughing at him.

Fenris sighed and stopped giving her one last kiss on her mouth before tucking her into his side, his arms the only thing keeping her from falling. She nuzzled her head against his chest as he rumbled in approval.

“I’m glad we’re finished unpacking.” He whispered, his voice low.

“Me too.” She said kissing his tattoo on his neck. “I don’t want to move, let’s just sleep here.” She said snuggling into him more.

“Your wish, my command.” He said grabbing the blanket on the back of the sofa and throwing it over them, in a matter of minutes they were asleep.

Fenris was alone when he awoke hours later around 5 AM, Marian not coming in until 8 with coffee and no explanation on where she had been. Fenris decided to drop it, not wanting a fight. He knew that she would tell him eventually.

\---

NOW

\---

The walk back to the hospital seemed shorter than it had been when he was leaving. Maybe it was his anger or his sheer determination but he barely felt tired. All he knew for certain was that he needed to see Marian and he needed to see her now. No more waiting no more letting her set the pace. It was time for him to ask the questions and get answers.

The nurses let him past without stopping him.

He opened the door on Marian in her room reading, she looked up at him when he came in, her eyes rimmed red from crying.

“Did you ever love me?” He asked right off the bat not wanting to skirt around his fear anymore.

She had a shocked look on her face, he was sure he had to look wild right now. He felt wild, his blood was pumping and his heart was racing in his chest. He was so tired of not knowing, of waiting for her to trust him with the truth. He needed to know if she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

“It’s not a hard question Hawke, did you ever love me?” He shut the door behind him as he came a few feet into the room, his feet planted.

“Yes of course I did, why would you ask that?” Her voice was defensive, the sparks of anger burning away her watery eyes. Good, he wanted her angry as he was – then they would be even.

“I found your guitar at Sebastian’s place.” Her eyes widened as she tensed up her breath escaping her as she yelled at him.

“That wasn’t yours to look at!”

“You know, I picked up on that. Why did you write that to yourself? Why would you need something like that Marian, help me understand. Was our relationship a joke to you?”

Marian tensed as if she were about to jump up but her broken leg kept her down.

“Why would you need that – that – shrine to your past! Was I just a way to pass the time Hawke! I love you Marian why would that scare you, you said you loved me too!” He turned away from her raking his hands through his hair turning when she spoke.

“Of course I love you, why would you say that!” Fenris looked at her dumbly.

“I don’t know Hawke, maybe because you ran out on me screaming about loyalty to the company and then nearly died all the while having a safe place for all of your memories before I said I loved you in my sleep? What the hell am I supposed to think?” His voice raised more than it ever had in his life.

“I just – I don’t know! Everything in my life has always gone to shit. My parent’s dying, my sister getting killed right in front of me, Carver joining that cult of his! Everything always goes wrong and you – you were the one untouched thing I had that hadn’t gone to shit yet so I just needed a place to keep that untainted part of me. Where you are safe and not fucked up by me and my shitty luck!” Fenris didn’t know what to say to that.

“You can’t do that Hawke. You can’t lock me up in a little box and keep me safe. You were just protecting yourself. I have given you every piece of me Marian and you weren’t honest with me. You don’t do that to someone you love.”

“Oh and you know all about honesty don’t you?” Marian muttered under her breath.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He demanded – tired of all the run around.

“You know exactly what you did and don’t even try to deny it. I got my copy of your record Fenris and as I was looking through the song book do you know what I saw? Not my name next to yours but Isabela’s name in the credits.”

Fenris had no idea what she was talking about.

“What?” He sputtered out at her.

“Stop pretending, your manager told me everything – that they needed more hype for Isabela to release her solo album so you agreed to have her sing over the parts that we had recorded together.”

“I never agreed to that.” He spat out in frustration, what the hell was she saying?

Marian looked confused.

Fenris raked his hands through his hair as he moved towards the window, tired of all of the misunderstandings.

“I never agreed to that Marian. I have never lied to you and I never will. I don’t know what my manager said but I didn’t agree to that. I never would have agreed to that. The only person I sing with anymore is you and he knows that. I’m going to call him and kick his ass.” He turned to her leaning against the cold window, exhausted.

Marian was silent.

“You didn’t agree to it?” Her voice was small but hopeful.

“No,” he looked up at her from the floor, “and if you actually trusted me you would have just asked me Marian.”

“I didn’t want to know the truth, I just assumed that this was it, the moment that I got hurt again and I was…angry about it. I didn’t want it to be true so I left instead of confirming it. It was better not knowing.”

“This is better?” He gestured to her broken leg. They sat in silence for a moment, Fenris getting up and sitting in his chair he had vacated earlier that day.

“I’m sorry I’m an idiot.” Marian said softly.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” He replied looking up at her. “I was just so angry at the thought that you didn’t jump into this as much as I had. Fuck, we live together Marian. I know I don’t ever say it but I love you. You are my family Marian, and I would never do what you thought me capable of doing.” He stood up and came and sat on the side of her bed not reaching for her.

“We’re quite the pair aren’t we Prince Charming?” Her voice was sarcastic and hesitant.

“We are indeed Marian.” He reached out and touched her hand.

“I love you Fenris.” She said reaching out to touch his face gently.

“No more secrets from one another. I’m in this for the long haul Marian, you don’t need that shrine because I’m going to do my damndest to never make you question me ever again, okay?” His hand covered hers on his cheek, kissing her wrist softly.

“I promise.” She whispered bringing him down for a kiss.

Nothing could really be solved that night, but they had made a step in the right direction and that was enough for now.


End file.
